Posted by: jt | March 1, 2009

what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?

This post (that I found via Amber), about how our society is het-biased and silences the voices and lives of people who are not heterosexual, hits, perhaps oddly, close to home for me.

While I think that my orientation is probably fairly clear based upon my writing, I would have to read back through posts to see if I’ve explicitly outed myself as gay, straight, bi, trans, or just me. I became an outspoken LGBT rights advocate in college and, as part of that, quietly adopted my own version of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

When you start paying attention, subtle questions about sexual orientation pop up in conversation all the time. My view was (and generally is) that, unless you want to get in my pants, it shouldn’t matter if I’m straight or not. Concurrently, I try to hold to the idea that if I’m not looking to wrap my legs around you, your sexuality doesn’t matter.

Admittedly, I get a little curious from time to time, but we can’t be perfect.

If you don’t give people the answer they expect, it automatically draws attention to what you’ve just said. As such, my non-specific responses in het-biased conversations tend to raise eyebrows and make people assume that I’m hiding something.

Surely, the only thing I would be hiding would be that I like girls.

At this point in my life, I’m trying to be more open, to possibilities in general and to relationships, specifically. Being coy about one’s sexuality seems like an unnecessary obstacle – particularly when I’m so good at creating them anyway.

Regardless, it’s hard for me to give up my silent protest. I’ve consciously been more forthcoming over the last year or so, but it’s frustrating for me. Whichever sex a person finds more attractive doesn’t change who they are. It doesn’t matter, unless we make it matter.

Back in the day, there was a common t-shirt on my happy-little-liberal-bubble college campus. The front read, Don’t Assume I’m Straight and the back read, Don’t Assume I’m Not.

I believe that. And it’s not okay to assume either way, but we do. Every day. In the interest of being truer to who I am, I think I need to adopt a new policy, aimed at eliminating assumptions. Instead of letting most people wonder and draw their own conclusions, I need to – diplomatically – call them on their het-bias. And then I need to just come out – as a straight girl.

It’s who I am.

I still have a mad, mad crush on Rachel Maddow though.

So there.



  1. :D I’ve always loved that shirt.

  2. Also, I feel compelled to note, one of the auto-generated “possibly related posts” right now is titled, “Manscaping, it’s a must!”

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