Posted by: jt | June 24, 2008

connection

Flipping through cds – yes, I’m still old school about the music I bring into work – I paused, and the yearning hit me like running into a wall.

The sense of loss can still be palpable.

And I still flashback.

This one, you can never know I own. We mocked it, cruelly, together. And later I realized I liked it. Enough to buy it. You can never know.

This other one, you really can’t know I bought, since it’s based on my appreciation of the first one. I can see the way your eyes would brighten and your mouth would curl upward as it would open to taunt me.

This last one is a particular moment in my life and you just happened to be there.

I skim through these cds several times a week, looking for something to match, or better, my mood in the office. Countless times over the last weeks, months, lifetimes – I’ve been unaffected. Occasionally one will bring a smile to my lips as I recall desperate lunges to turn the volume down when Cake’s shouting of Shut the fuck up was a bit untimely, or when I remember a long, dark drive belting along with Bree Sharp that the late night network Commonwealth is there to help me help myself.

Fleeting memories. Passing emotions.

I’m not sure why today was so different.

I can speculate…

I’ve been looking at graduate programs that make me think of you.

I’ve been looking, out of habitual interest – not seriousness, at jobs that make me think of you.

I’ve recently reconnected with several other people that I’d fallen out of touch with.

I’m still lonely in this godforsaken town. I have friends, but not the kind I have a million miles away.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time lately thinking about the difference between being heard and being understood. You understood.

It’s all completely independent of you and it all ties back to you, however vaguely. And I kind of hate you for that. I don’t want now to tie back to you. I want to leave it at then. At this point, it’s not you that I want in my life, it’s the idea of you.

Except it’s sort of still you.

It’s connection.

I think maybe I’ve approached this the wrong way in the past. It’s not so much that I want you in my life; I would like nothing more than to think of you fondly, smile and move on. This isn’t about connecting with you.

This is about a broken connection. This is about having a connection – an easy, strong connection – and it being broken without reason. There is no rational reason for me not to have that connection. There is no reason not to still have that all too rare experience of feeling understood. There is no reason.

Unless I’m just spinning my wheels.

Am I bullshitting myself? Am I just telling myself what I want to hear? Am I living entirely in the fantasy land inside my head? Am I going with what’s easy?

It doesn’t feel easy, but I don’t know the answer.

And the irony is, you would.

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Responses

  1. Okay.

    Did I IM you this morning about Bree Sharp?

    Because I don’t think I did and this is just…

    Too weird. This synchronicity.

    I woke up this morning with a Bree Sharp song in my head, randomly. I listened to the CD in the car on the way to work. I told Rusty that it makes my heart ache now. I explained why.

    And I don’t feel that I can blog about this.

  2. Nope. No IM on Bree Sharp. As ever, GMTA.

    And I think sometimes it’s easier to blog anonymously and, by extension, ambiguously…and clearly, sometimes it’s harder.

  3. Maybe that connection feels the same way too.

  4. For the rest of the night, after reading this post, I had that Bree Sharp song in my head. :)

    <3


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