Posted by: jt | May 6, 2008

not really asleep, not really awake

This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.

When I have insomnia, I tend to think in Fight Club quotes. Maybe it’s purely the power of suggestion.

I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

Maybe it’s because I only read Chuck Palahniuk’s novels in the wee hours of the morning.

The things you own end up owning you.

Maybe I think in Fight Club quotes all the time but only notice it when I don’t sleep.

If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

These last few months – I’m not really sure how long – I just haven’t been sleeping. Not well, anyway. I’m up until 1:30 or 2:00 and then I wake up at 4am and sort of drift in and out until around 6:30 when I jolt out of my haze. I lie around some more, somewhere between awake and asleep until I’m inevitably late for work.

When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep… and you’re never really awake.

It’s frustrating because I feel like the entire time I’ve been working at my current job, I haven’t really been myself. I was sick – in chronic pain – this fall and I haven’t really slept this spring. I’m better than this. I know I’m better than this. But, damn, I’ve just been sucking.

You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Naturally, without sleep, I’m also a royal bitch. Or at the very least, cranky. Always great when you’re dealing with bureaucrats and insecure coworkers.

You’re not getting this back. I consider it asshole tax.

I’m resorting to drugs, I think for the rest of the week – in an attempt to establish some sort of schedule. If I’m still not sleeping by next week, then I think I need to see a doctor. And, of course, at this point I can’t help but wonder if my anxiety over not sleeping is what’s preventing me from sleeping.

…the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can’t.

When I have insomnia, it’s almost as though I’m the anti-me. Some weird, inverse concept of my brain takes over – my own little Tyler Durden – and everything I know, think and believe gets pushed aside.

Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction…

It’s time. Again. White noise – on. Eye mask – on. Lights – off. All electronics – off.

Wish me luck.

Yeah, you’re sorry, I’m sorry, everybody’s sorry, but… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. And I won’t. I’m gone.

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Responses

  1. I love Fight Club, but… I’m worried about you. I hope you’ll see a doctor (who doesn’t tell you you need natural sleep) and get this figured out. In the meantime: (((((()))))) /inside joke

    Oh, and please change your template. For the love of all that is holy (or not).

  2. :-) I know it’s a melodramatic post, but I’m okay, as long as I actually sleep. Which I did last night – for the most part. I still woke up at the (seemingly) prescribed times, but I went back to sleep at 4:00. I’m hoping if I stick with the tylenol pm until the weekend I’ll have some sort of pattern established.

    And this template is one of like three that doesn’t completely fuck up. I told you I had a blog question. ;-)

  3. I’ve been going through the same thing for months. It got better, and then it got really, really worse.

    It’s like being in purgatory.

    The Dr. told me it takes weeks of a consistent schedule to re-establish natural sleep. Tylenol PM does help.

    I just wish my mind had an on/off switch. It has all other kinds of buttons :)

    Here’s wishing us both luck.

  4. Dianne, how are we this much of the same person?

    Insomnia is nothing new for me, but this run has been insane. I usually get one night where I’m up ’til all hours and then I’m fine, but…I’m not sure how much I slept in April. Or March. Of course, the best part is that I’ve been so out of it that I really have no idea how long it’s been going on. :P

    My boss recommended melatonin. I’m sticking with Tylenol PM for this week. Maybe I’ll try melatonin next week.

    Bah. Or I could just move back to my quiet little apartment in St. Paul that was ALL MINE and sleep there. :P

  5. Of course, the best part is that I’ve been so out of it that I really have no idea how long it’s been going on. :P

    I know you’ve talked about insomnia longer than that, like back in autumn/winter, but I’m not sure if it was the one-night kind or the more chronic kind.

    :(

    I’m with Amber. You take care of yourself. I’m concerned.


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